The One With Chandler in a Box
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Written by: Michael Borkow
Transcribed by: Eric Aasen
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is sitting at the counter reading a magazine as the phone rings.]
Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
Chandler: (on phone) Hey, it¡¯s me. I know you can¡¯t stand to be in the same room as me, so I just thought I¡¯d try and apologize over the phone. All I¡¦ (Joey hangs up the phone in disgust.)
(Pause)
(The phone rings again.)
Joey: (answering phone) Hello.
Chandler: Look I never should have kissed your girlfriend, but I¡¯m¡¦ (Joey hangs up the phone again.)
(Pause)
(The phone rings yet again.)
Joey: (answering phone) Stop callin¡¯!!
Voice: (on phone) Hey! Hey! Hey! This is 92.3, WXRK, K-Rock for our $1,000 daily challenge.
Joey: All right!
Voice: What is the name of your roommate who is very, very sorry and would do anything¡¦ (Joey realizes it¡¯s Chandler and hangs up the phone in anger.)
OPENING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, everyone but Joey and Chandler are there getting ready for Thanksgiving.]
Chandler: (entering) Aww, turkey! Aww, giving thanks! Aww!
Phoebe: Look everyone, it¡¯s the spirit of Thanksgiving!
Rachel: So are things with you and Joey any better?
Chandler: They couldn¡¯t be worse. I spent eight hours calling him last night, just trying to get him to talk to me.
Rachel: Oh wow, eight hours? So you could probably really use one of those plug-in telephone headsets huh?
Ross: Should we all expect Christmas gifts that can be stolen from your office?
Rachel: You shouldn¡¯t.
Phoebe: Speaking of Christmas, umm since Monica and I are starting a new business and have like no money, umm, this year maybe we could do secret Santa, and then we each only buy one gift. And-and there¡¯s the added mystery of who gets who.
Ross: Who gets whom. (They all look at him.) I don¡¯t know why I do that.
[Cut to later, the gang, minus Joey, is watching the Thanksgiving Day parade.]
Rachel: Well, I¡¯m gonna take a nap, turkey makes me sleepy.
Monica: We haven¡¯t eaten yet!
Rachel: I know, but all that work you¡¯re doing to get it ready, I just¡¦ (goes into her bedroom.)
Chandler: Hey, by any chance did either of pick uh Rachel for your secret Santa, ¡®cause I wanna trade for her.
Phoebe: I picked her! Oh thank God you want her! Ooh!
Chandler: Wow! Why do you want to get rid of her so badly?
Phoebe: Because she exchanges every gift she ever gets, it¡¯s like impossible to get her something she likes. Come on, let¡¯s trade!
Chandler: Oh that¡¯s not true! That¡¯s not true! I got her that backpack and she loved it! I remember how much she was crying the day when that big dog ran off with it¡¦ (notices the look on Monica and Phoebe¡¯s faces.) Oh, there was no big dog. All right this sucks! I already got her this briefcase, and I had R.G. put on it¡¦ (Phoebe looks confused.) Her initials¡¦
Phoebe: Ohh.
Monica: Well, maybe you could give to somebody else. Ooh, like Ross Geller.
Chandler: Op, y'know what though, it¡¯s kind¡¯ve a girlie briefcase.
Monica: Who cares? He works in a museum!
Chandler: Hey, what time is it? The big game is about to start!
Phoebe: You don¡¯t have to do that, Ross and Joey aren¡¯t here, you can watch the parade if you want.
Chandler: Thanks.
Monica: What is wrong with this freezer?! (She jabs her arm into the freezer and a piece of ice flies into her eye.) Ow! Ow!!
Phoebe: God, what happened?!
Monica: Oh my God, ice just got in my eye!
Rachel: (standing in her doorway) People are trying to sleep in here!
Chandler: Monica got ice in her eye, and it hurts.
Phoebe: Open it up, let me see.
Monica: Oh, y¡¯know what, I can¡¯t, it really kills.
Chandler: Well maybe you should put some ice on it.
Phoebe: Ooh, God it looks bad.
Rachel: Honey, maybe we should take you to a doctor.
Monica: No, my eye doctor is Richard! I can¡¯t go to him when I don¡¯t have a boyfriend!
Chandler: He¡¯s really picky about his patients.
Phoebe: Honey, you¡¯ve got to go. What¡¯s his office number?
Monica: Like I remember his office number! (Pause) Speed dial 7.
Phoebe: (on phone) Hi! Yeah, I¡¯m calling on behalf of Monica Geller¡¯s eye, and is um, is Richard Burke in today. (Listens) (to Monica) He¡¯s out of town, but does she want to see the on-call doctor?
Monica: Yes!!
Phoebe: Yes! She¡¯s very excited about that.
[Cut to later, Phoebe is adding butter to something and Ross is watching.]
Phoebe: This is so cool, ¡®til Monica gets back, it¡¯s like I¡¯m head chef and I get to make all the decisions. (She looks at the remaining butter, and then decides to add it to the dish.)
Ross: Hey-hey, I thought she told you to follow the recipe exactly!
Phoebe: Okay, get out of my kitchen!
Chandler: (entering) All right! Okay! I think I am making some progress with Joey, when I went into the apartment he went straight into his bedroom but he only slammed the door once! (Ross is pleased.) I mean yeah, he gave me the finger while doing it.
Phoebe: All right I¡¦ I gotta call my mom and ask her a left handed cooking question.
Ross: So listen ah, I picked Monica for secret Santa, but I¡¯m already getting her something for Chanukah, I was wondering if you wanna switch.
Chandler: Oh y¡¯know what, I was already trying to trade for ah, well, you.
Ross: Really?! Wow! That¡¯s-that¡¯s so nice, what are you gonna get me?
Chandler: I don¡¯t know R.G., I was thinking something girlie for your office.
Ross: Yeah, well maybe Phoebe will switch with me.
Chandler: Oh no-no-no, you don¡¯t want to do that, then you¡¯re gonna get stuck with Rachel and she exchanges every gift she ever gets.
Ross: Oh, that¡¯s not true! I¡¯ve got her lots of stuff she never took back.
Chandler: Like?
Ross: Like uh, that gold necklace I got her last year.
Chandler: When was the last time you saw her wear it?
Ross: Well, she wore it all Christmas day, and then uh¡¦
Chandler: Big dog?
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is repacking the furniture into boxes to return it.]
Ross: (entering) Hey!
Joey: Hey!
Ross: What are you doing?
Joey: I¡¯m sending back all this stuff that Chandler bought out of guilt.
Ross: Everything? Even the TV?
Joey: No! I¡¯m putting that in my room.
Ross: Listen, Joey, I know what he did was wrong but don¡¯t you think you could at least hear the guy out?
Joey: Back when you and Rachel were together, if Chandler had kissed her, would you hear him out?
Ross: That¡¯s a good point. So uh, how long are you gonna punish him?
Joey: Five years.
Ross: You¡¯ve sentenced him?!
Joey: Hey! Don¡¯t do the crime if you can¡¯t do the time.
Ross: Joey, the guy¡¯s your best friend.
Joey: No, was my best friend. Anyway, I don¡¯t know why you¡¯re pushing for him so hard. With him out of the way as my best friend, there¡¯s a spot open.
Ross: Oh, who? Me?
Joey: Yeah!
Ross: Wow! I¡¯m honored! And y¡¯know what I¡¯m gonna do as my first act as your best friend?
Joey: What?
Ross: I¡¯m gonna get you to talk to Chandler.
Joey: All right. But if you weren¡¯t my best friend.
[Scene: Central Perk, Chandler and Kathy are sitting at a table and talking about Joey.]
KATHY: Oh my God, is it really that bad?
Chandler: I walk into a room and he won¡¯t even talk to me, he just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.
Joey: (entering) Hey Gunther, have you uh, have you seen Chandler?
GUNTHER: I thought you were Chandler. But umm, one of who is over there.
(Joey turns around and sees them kissing.)
KATHY: Oh.
Chandler: Hey Joe.
Joey: (Something in Italian.) (Storms out.)
[Scene: Dr. Burke¡¯s office, Rachel and Monica are waiting as the doctor arrives.]
Doctor: I¡¯ll be right with you. Okay? (to the nurse) Thanks, Wendy.
Monica: Oh my God! How cute is the on-call doctor?
Rachel: Ooh, so cute, that I¡¯m thinking about jamming this pen in my eye.
(The intercom buzzes.)
Nurse: Dr. Burke will see you know.
Monica: Oh no-no-no, not Dr. Burke. Dr. Burke is out of town. The-the on-call doctor will see me now.
Nurse: Dr. Richard Burke is out of town. Dr. Timothy Burke, his son, will see you now.
Dr. Timothy Burke: Ready?
(Monica looks at Rachel, who gives her the thumbs up.)
[Scene: Chandler and Joey's, Joey is packing as Chandler rushes in.]
Chandler: Hey! I¡¯m sorry! That?(sees that Joey is about to leave) where are you going?
Joey: My folks.
Chandler: Oh, uh, when-when are you coming back?
Joey: I don¡¯t know. I might stay there for a few days while I look for an apartment.
Chandler: What?!
Joey: Yeah, y¡¯know at first I thought we could talk about this y¡¯know, work it out, but uh, seeing you two together I don¡¯t think I¡¦
Chandler: Hey, look, what do you want me to say? Do you want me to say that I¡¯ll stop seeing her?
Joey: Look, it¡¯s not about her. Okay? But seeing you two together just reminds me of what you did. And I don¡¯t want to live with some one who doesn¡¯t know what it is to be a friend. So, I¡¯ll see ya. (He starts to leave, but Chandler grabs his bag and stops him.)
Chandler: Hey, look, I know what it is to be a friend, I just-I just screwed up!
Joey: Yeah! You did! And that¡¯s why I¡¯m leaving.
(The chick and the duck walk into the living room.)
Chandler: All right look, if you¡¯re not gonna stay for me, then at least stay for them! Okay, they have had a very difficult year! What with the robbery and all!
Joey: When that guy was robbing us, and I was locked in the entertainment unit for like six hours, you know what I was doing in there all that time? I was thinking about how I let you down!
Chandler: What?
Joey: Yeah! But if would¡¯ve know what kind of friend you were gonna turn out to be, I wouldn¡¯t have worried about it so much! See you around!
Chandler: All right, wait! Come on! Just wait one second! There has to be something that I can do! Something! If we still had that entertainment unit I would get in it for six hours and think about how I let you down. (Joey looks intrigued) What?
Joey: We¡¯ve got a box. (Motions to a large wooden box next to him.)
COMMERCIAL BREAK
[Scene: Dr. Burke¡¯s office, Tim is examining Monica.]
Tim: Last time I saw you, it was the morning I left for college. And you were just standing outside The Dairy Queen.
Monica: I was probably waiting for it to open.
Tim: I gotta tell you, you look great now.
Monica: You look great too.
Tim: You¡¯re an excellent patient!
Monica: So how does it look?
Tim: Well, you¡¯ve got a little scratch on your cornea, your gonna have to wear a patch for a couple of days.
Monica: Like a pirate?!
Tim: If that helps you.
Monica: Umm, so how long have you been working with your dad? (He looks at her) Come on, one of us had to mention him.
Tim: I moved back here a couple of months ago.
Monica: Oh. Big family dinner tonight?
Tim: Uh. (He holds up a brown lunch bag.)
Monica: No way!
Tim: I was gonna have Thanksgiving at my girlfriend¡¯s.
Monica: (disappointed) Oh.
Tim: But we broke up.
Monica: (happy) Oh.
Tim: She-she wasn¡¯t ready for a serious commitment.
Monica: (sympathetic) Oh. (in a pirate¡¯s voice) So you made her walk the plank? Aye, matie?
Tim: You¡¯re not wearing the patch yet.
Monica: I know.
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's, It¡¯s closer to dinner. Monica has just told everyone that Tim is coming to dinner.]
Ross: He¡¯s coming here for Thanksgiving!
Rachel: I know, it¡¯s sick.
Monica: Why is it sick?
Rachel: Because it¡¯s Richard¡¯s son! It¡¯s like inviting Greek tragedy over for dinner!
Monica: Hey, come on, Phoebe, you understand don¡¯t you?
Phoebe: Yeah, I can see where I¡¯d be your best shot but, no. I¡¯m sorry, but I think it¡¯s twisted.
Ross: Yeah.
Joey: (coming out of the bathroom) What¡¯s twisted?
Monica: Me going out with Richard¡¯s son.
Joey: Ewwwww!! Ew! Ew! Ew!
Chandler: (He is now in the box, in their living room.) Sounds like a really bad idea to me.
Rachel: Is he okay in there?
Joey: He¡¯s fine!
Ross: Hey, y'know, Mon, if things wrong out between you and Richard¡¯s son, you¡¯d be able to tell your kids, that you slept with their grandfather.
Monica: Fine! Judge all you want to but, (points to Ross) married a lesbian, (points to Rachel) left a man at the altar, (points to Phoebe) fell in love with a gay ice dancer, (points to Joey) threw a girl¡¯s wooden leg in a fire, (points to Chandler) livin¡¯ in a box!! (goes to her room)
Rachel: So now, what exactly is the point of the box?
Joey: Chandler?
Chandler: The meaning of the box is three fold. One (holds a finger up through the air hole), it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two (holds up another finger), it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three (holds up a third finger), it hurts!
Ross: (to Rachel) Oh hey! Hey uh, you remember the necklace I gave you last year? Can I see it?
Rachel: (worried) Why?
Ross: I just wanna check something.
Rachel: Okay. (She goes into her bedroom)
Ross: (He puts his hand over the hole on the box.) (to Chandler) Now, we¡¯ll see.
Chandler: Air hole! Air hole!! (Ross retracts his hand quickly.)
Rachel: (coming out of her bedroom with a necklace) Here it is! I love it. I wear it all the time.
Ross: (grabbing the necklace) The necklace I got you was gold, this one is silver.
Rachel: Huh, well maybe it uh, it changed.
Ross: Oh my God! You actually exchanged it!
Rachel: Well isn¡¯t it better that I exchanged it for something that I enjoy and that I can get a lot of use out of?
Ross: What did you get?
Rachel: Credit.
(There¡¯s a knock on the door.)
Monica: (running in from her bedroom) I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! I¡¯ll get it! (opens the door) Hi, Tim.
Tim: Hi. (gives her a bottle of wine)
Monica: Thank you. Come meet my friends. This is uh, Phoebe.
Tim: Hi, nice to meet you.
Monica: And Joey.
Joey: Hey!
Tim: Hi, Joey.
Monica: My brother, Ross.
Ross: Hey.
Monica: And Rachel. (Chandler clears his voice loudly) And that¡¯s Chandler.
Chandler: How do ya do.
Tim: What¡¯s¡¦
Monica: Umm, well, he¡¯s¡¦
Joey: He¡¯s doin¡¯ some thinkin¡¯!
[cut to later, Joey, Rachel, Ross, and Tim are watching the football game, and they all cheer loudly.]
Chandler: What happened? What happened?!
Joey: You kissed my girlfriend!
(A commercial for sunglasses comes on.)
Rachel: Ooh, I like those sunglasses.
Ross: Like ¡®em, like ¡®em? Or, I¡¯d like to get store credit for that amount like ¡®em?
Rachel: (Swears in Italian, it¡¯s the same term used by Joey earlier and Joey nods his approval.)
Monica: All right everybody, this turkey is ready!
Tim: Where can I wash up?
Monica: Here, let me show you. Okay, the towels are hanging next to the sink, and umm, you can use the fancy soap.
Tim: Thank you.
Rachel: Fancy soap? I thought we were savin¡¯ that for the Pope!
Monica: See he¡¯s nice. Right?
Phoebe: Yeah, but Monica, do you actually want to be in a relationship where you can actually use the phrase, "That¡¯s not how your dad used to do it."
Tim: Wow! Everything looks great! Where should I sit?
Monica: I saved you a seat. (Motions to the one next to her.)
Rachel: (pouring the wine) Sick-sick-sick-sick.
(There¡¯s a loud knocking.)
Phoebe: Oh, I¡¯ll get it. (goes over to the door.)
Chandler: Gotcha! (laughs)
Joey: That doesn¡¯t sound like thinking to me!
Chandler: Sorry!
Joey: Y¡¯know I don¡¯t think you should be talking at all in there! I think you¡¯ve got to much thinking to do to be talking and making jokes!
Chandler: Okay, okay, you got it!
Rachel: Ross, can you pass me the yams?
Ross: Sure! Oh, and Joey¡¯s got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.
Rachel: Would you stop?! What is the matter with you?!
Monica: Oh-ho-ho, we¡¯ve got company.
Ross: There¡¯s nothing the matter with me. See, I¡¯m not completely devoid of sentiment, see I have feelings.
Rachel: Okay, fine. (She gets up and walks into her bedroom)
(an awkward silence follows)
Chandler: You can¡¯t tell, but I¡¯m trying to break the tension by mooning you guys!
Joey: All right, look! If this is just a big joke to you, then forget about it, all right?! This means something to me! And if it doesn¡¯t mean anything to you, then you should get out of there, otherwise you¡¯re just an idiot in a box!
Chandler: You¡¯re right, and I¡¯m sorry! This means a lot to me! I want you to be my friend again! I swear, I won¡¯t say another word tonight.
Joey: So are you gonna start taking this thing seriously?
Chandler: Absolutely!
Joey: That sounds like another word to me! Are you gonna take this seriously? (There¡¯s no response from Chandler.) Okay.
(Rachel comes back carrying a shoe box.)
Rachel: Don¡¯t say that I have no sentiment! (Starts to show Ross what¡¯s in the box.) This is a movie stub from our first date! This is an eggshell from the first time you made me breakfast in bed! (Holds up a bone) This is from the museum from the first time we¡¦ were together. Okay, maybe I exchange gifts sometimes, but I keep the things that matter!
Ross: I don¡¯t know what to say, I¡¯m sorry. Though, you¡¯re not supposed to take these. (Points to the bone) It¡¯s like a million years old, we, we actually, we had people looking for that.
(Rachel glares at him.)
[Cut to the balcony with Monica and Tim.]
Monica: (putting off her coat) Ooh, this always happens. (Her coat gets stuck.)
Tim: Here, let me help. (Does so.)
Monica: Thank you.
Tim: You-you have a very beautiful¡¦ eye.
Monica: Y¡¯know all my friends think this is weird.
Tim: Y¡¯know I-I thought it was gonna be weird, I mean I almost called and canceled, but it really isn¡¯t.
Monica: I know! I mean it¡¯s like me and your dad, that¡¯s a totally separate thing.
Tim: Oh, I totally agree.
Monica: We¡¯re just two people who find each other very attractive. Right?
(Tim leans in to kiss her. They stop, and when he tries to kiss her again, Monica pulls away.)
Tim: What?
Monica: Nothing. Nothing.
Tim: No-no really, was-was that not okay?
Monica: No-no-no that was good, it was, that was uh, that was a goood kiss¡¦
Tim: Oh my God! It didn¡¯t remind you of¡¦
Monica: (interrupting) Don¡¯t say it!
Tim: No, but it did! Didn¡¯t it?!
Monica: Yeah!
Tim: Oh man!!
Monica: I know!
(They both shiver in horror.)
[cut to later, Tim has left. Monica is still shivering. There¡¯s a knock on the door.]
Joey: I¡¯ll get it. (It¡¯s Kathy.)
KATHY: (sees it¡¯s Joey) Oh.
Joey: Hey.
KATHY: Hey. Listen, I want you to know how sorry I am¡¦
Joey: That¡¯s okay. Chandler¡¯s the one I¡¯m mad at.
KATHY: Well, I¡¯m still sorry. Is he here?
Joey: In the box.
KATHY: (going over to the box) Chandler?
Phoebe: Oh, he-he can¡¯t talk right now.
KATHY: Why not? What¡¯s going on?
Phoebe: He¡¯s just trying to show Joey how much he means to him.
KATHY: By being in a box?
Rachel: Joey, had reasons.
Phoebe: They were threefold.
KATHY: Oh. Well uh, (to Chandler) you not being able to talk may make this easier. Listen umm¡¦ (She looks at the gang who are watching, they take the hint and leave them alone.) Listen I don¡¯t wanna be someone who comes between two best friends. I just, I can¡¯t stand seeing what this is doing to you guys, and I don¡¯t wanna be the cause of that. So, I don¡¯t think we can see each other anymore. I¡¯m gonna go to my mom¡¯s in Chicago, I¡¯m gonna stay there for awhile. I think this could¡¯ve be something really amazing, but y¡¯know this is probably for the best. Y¡¯know? I¡¯m gonna miss you. Good-bye, Chandler.
(She gets up and leaves, Chandler waves good-bye with one finger extended through the air hole. Ross glares at Joey.)
Joey: (starting to cry) Open the box!! (Runs over to do so.)
Rachel: What?!
Joey: He can still catch her! Come on, get out of there! (He opens the box) Get out of there!
Chandler: So?
Joey: Yeah, we¡¯re gonna be fine! Get out!
Chandler: Yeah?
Joey: Yeah, you did some real good thinkin¡¯ in there.
Chandler: Man, this is¡¦
(Joey says something unintelligible and they hug.)
Joey: Now go! ¡®Cause you can still catch her! And Merry Christmas from you¡¯re secret Santa! (Chandler runs out and closes the door.)
(After he¡¯s gone.)
Joey: All right, who got Chandler? ¡®Cause I uh, need to trade.
CLOSING CREDITS
[Scene: Monica and Rachel's Balcony, the gang is all there watching Chandler.]
Rachel: Oh, he sees her!
Monica: Oh, he¡¯s catching up to her!
Phoebe: Oh, she sees him! Oh, they¡¯re hugging!
Ross: He¡¯s taking her purse!
Joey: Uhh, that¡¯s not them. I¡¯m gonna go call the police.
Phoebe: Oh, there they are!
(They watch them making up and sigh)
Phoebe: All right, get a room.
END
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------